When I told a close friend that I was pregnant, she got so upset. She said that she'd had a very close friend who had completely dropped her when she had a baby. And so I told my friend that I wouldn't drop her, but that she couldn't expect that I'd be able to be the same as I was before. We agreed to keep the friendship alive... and it still is. Our kids called her "aunt" and she got involved in their lives as well.
What I took away from this is a universal truth: every relationship takes two people. Often neither one is at fault for the death of a relationship, but almost always, it happens because of things that both sides do. I suspect that in most friendships that die after one became a mom, there is both a lack of the ability of the mom to sustain the same level of involvement with her friend (which is expected), but also a lack of effort on the part of the friend to incorporate her friend's changed circumstances into their relationship (which is purely her choice). My friend's other friend dropped her, sure, but did my friend really reach out in a way that was inclusive of her friend's new status as mother as well as friend? If we have a friend that we love to hike with and they are suddenly confined to a wheelchair, do we drop them, or do we accommodate their new circumstances? A friendship very much takes two people to participate in it, accepting the life circumstances of the other.
So yes, sometimes it just takes time till the mom friend can open her life back up again, and I certainly had that experience with other friends, too, but if it's a close friendship, there are ways to keep it on life support during the harder times.
i think it’s admirable that you were able to confront the change head-on! not everyone can do that! i found the divide challenging and while i got hurt (some) i also gained more compassion and empathy for friends who’d had kids before me, i realized i hadn’t paid attention to the ways they were changing and made room for them. i like the idea that friendships come back around though….
Oh, Brooke, it happens to so many of us. My kids are now older and are largely self-sufficient, but the thing that saved me when they were much younger was spending a night out a week with friends, if it could at all be helped. It was a lifeline—it kept me sane, kept me current. We are but human before we have children, and we are but human afterward.
I think, for me, this was exacerbated by my previous work in the theater. My prime "work" hours and my prime "mommy" hours conflicted, and so many of my deep friendships (or okay, I thought they were friendships at the time, later I came to think that maybe they'd been work relationships all along) ... so many were with people I made plays with! And those people mostly disappeared when my work hours, work output and work habits evolved. I had to relearn friendship. Some people did come back, others did not, and I (mostly) made my peace with it. Moms nights out didn't cut it because I wanted to be at the theater and hanging out after the theater with the people I made work with.
I know how you feel. I've always found "mom friends" to be a transient thing—once kids go their separate ways, these situationships rarely stick. You have to have more in common than parenting.
yes but, the one brilliant exception... during the first 2 years of my son's life, I was part of a great "mommy group" in LA. Five women, we met once a week, they were my mainstays and we're still in touch. I will love them forever.
I really enjoyed hearing your thoughts. I've never had kids, just cats. Our 6 yr old, Butter, was just diagnosed with heart disease, after spending 36 hrs. in the pet ER this week. I feel that I can somewhat relate to what mothers go through. You can never completely relax. Happy Mother's Day, Brooke - I fully understand.
When I told a close friend that I was pregnant, she got so upset. She said that she'd had a very close friend who had completely dropped her when she had a baby. And so I told my friend that I wouldn't drop her, but that she couldn't expect that I'd be able to be the same as I was before. We agreed to keep the friendship alive... and it still is. Our kids called her "aunt" and she got involved in their lives as well.
What I took away from this is a universal truth: every relationship takes two people. Often neither one is at fault for the death of a relationship, but almost always, it happens because of things that both sides do. I suspect that in most friendships that die after one became a mom, there is both a lack of the ability of the mom to sustain the same level of involvement with her friend (which is expected), but also a lack of effort on the part of the friend to incorporate her friend's changed circumstances into their relationship (which is purely her choice). My friend's other friend dropped her, sure, but did my friend really reach out in a way that was inclusive of her friend's new status as mother as well as friend? If we have a friend that we love to hike with and they are suddenly confined to a wheelchair, do we drop them, or do we accommodate their new circumstances? A friendship very much takes two people to participate in it, accepting the life circumstances of the other.
So yes, sometimes it just takes time till the mom friend can open her life back up again, and I certainly had that experience with other friends, too, but if it's a close friendship, there are ways to keep it on life support during the harder times.
i think it’s admirable that you were able to confront the change head-on! not everyone can do that! i found the divide challenging and while i got hurt (some) i also gained more compassion and empathy for friends who’d had kids before me, i realized i hadn’t paid attention to the ways they were changing and made room for them. i like the idea that friendships come back around though….
Oh, Brooke, it happens to so many of us. My kids are now older and are largely self-sufficient, but the thing that saved me when they were much younger was spending a night out a week with friends, if it could at all be helped. It was a lifeline—it kept me sane, kept me current. We are but human before we have children, and we are but human afterward.
I think, for me, this was exacerbated by my previous work in the theater. My prime "work" hours and my prime "mommy" hours conflicted, and so many of my deep friendships (or okay, I thought they were friendships at the time, later I came to think that maybe they'd been work relationships all along) ... so many were with people I made plays with! And those people mostly disappeared when my work hours, work output and work habits evolved. I had to relearn friendship. Some people did come back, others did not, and I (mostly) made my peace with it. Moms nights out didn't cut it because I wanted to be at the theater and hanging out after the theater with the people I made work with.
I know how you feel. I've always found "mom friends" to be a transient thing—once kids go their separate ways, these situationships rarely stick. You have to have more in common than parenting.
yes but, the one brilliant exception... during the first 2 years of my son's life, I was part of a great "mommy group" in LA. Five women, we met once a week, they were my mainstays and we're still in touch. I will love them forever.
I have a few that stuck too and they are among my fave people in the world.
Lovely. 🥰
thx!
I love this! Thank you for writing and reposting!
thank you for reading! sending love 💗
Ahhhhhhhhhh so much here. Captured so perfectly of course. This is so beautiful. So are you.
Wonderful, this. Thank you, Brooke.
I love being one of the people that have come back from way before having kids was even on the radar. Here’s to the power of friendship.
yes! to the power of friendship!
I really enjoyed hearing your thoughts. I've never had kids, just cats. Our 6 yr old, Butter, was just diagnosed with heart disease, after spending 36 hrs. in the pet ER this week. I feel that I can somewhat relate to what mothers go through. You can never completely relax. Happy Mother's Day, Brooke - I fully understand.